10 FUNNY STORIES - 4

1

Mrs. Jones wanted a picture for her living-room. She took  the bus and went to town. She looked for a picture shop, and after a few minutes she found one. There were some pictures in the window, but she did not like them very much.
She went into the shop and looked at some other pictures. She liked some of those more. There was a picture of a young girl, and Mrs. Jones liked it very much. She went to the shopkeeper and said, 'How much do you want for this picture?'
The shopkeeper turned the picture round. He looked at the back of it and then said, 'Thirteen pounds.'
'Thirty pounds?' Mrs. Jones said. 'That's very expensive. I'm going to offer you twenty pounds for it.'
'I said, "Thirteen pounds", not "Thirty pounds",' the man answered.
'Thirteen?' Mrs. Jones said. 'Then I'm going to offer you nine pounds for it.'

2

Mary worked in an office in London, and she usually went out and had lunch in a restaurant. She liked foreign food and often looked in the newspaper for the names of new restaurants, because she enjoyed going to them and eating new things. Sometimes she said, 'I don't like this restaurant. I'm not going to come here again'; but often she said, 'I like this one. I'm going to have my lunch here often.'
One day she saw the name of a new Greek restaurant in her newspaper, and she went there for lunch. It was very small, but it was clean and nice, and the food was good.
But then Mary found something hard in her mouth. She took it out. It was a button.
'Look here, waiter!' she said. 'I've found this button in my food.'
"Thank you, thank you!' the waiter answered happily. 'I looked everywhere for it.'

3

Peter was ten, and his sister Jane was eight. They lived in the country ten kilometres from Cardiff.
One day they saw a picture of a circus in the newspaper, and Jane said to her mother, "There's going to be a circus in Cardiff next week. Please take us there.'
The children's mother bought tickets, and on Saturday evening Peter and Jane and their parents went to the circus.
The tent was full of people, and after a quarter of an hour, the circus began.
A beautiful young girl came in. She put a cake in her mouth, and then a big lion came and took the cake out of her mouth.
A man in a red coat shouted to the people, 'Who's going to do the same for £100?'
Nobody answered. But then a funny man stood up and said, 'All right... but first take the lion away!'

4

Ann Grimes had a small car, and she drove a lot in town, because she went to work by car every morning and came home by car too, and she did her shopping with her car on Saturdays.
But she very seldom went out into the country in it, be- cause she did not have much time.
Then one Sunday morning last August she said to herself, 'It's a beautiful day, and it's hot in town. I'm going to drive out into the country and have a picnic in a quiet field there.'
She drove twenty kilometres, and then she came to a small country road. She looked at it and said to herself, 'This road's very steep, isn't it?' She stopped in front of a house and asked a man, 'Is this road dangerous?'
'No,' the man answered, 'it isn't dangerous up here. They always crash down at the bottom.'

5

Paul Robinson liked fishing very much. In the summer he went out fishing every evening, and in the winter he fished on Saturdays and Sundays. His wife Joan did not see him very much.
Then one day last summer Paul said to her, 'I'm going to have two weeks' holiday this year, and we're going to go to Scotland and fish there.'
'And what am I going to do?' said Joan.
'You're going to fish with me,' Paul answered.
They went to Scotland and fished there for two weeks. Then they came home, and Joan talked to her neighbour, Mrs. Andrews, about her fishing trip with her husband.
'I did everything wrong on the trip,' she said to her. 'I talked loudly in the boat and the fish were afraid. I put the wrong things on my hook, I pulled my line in very quickly ... and I caught a lot more fish than Paul did.'

6

Mrs. Davis lived near the sea, in Yarmouth, and went to the same fish shop there for twenty-five years. She always bought beautiful, fresh fish from that shop, but then she and her husband went to London and lived there. She wrote to her friends, 'I'm not going to find nice, fresh fish in the London shops. They lie there for days and weeks.'
There was a fish shop near her house, and she went and bought her fish there for two or three weeks, but she did not like them very much. Then last Wednesday, she went into the shop and looked at all the fish there.
"These ones aren't fresh,' she said to the shopkeeper. 'Look at them!'
The shopkeeper came and looked. Then he said angrily, 'That's your fault, not mine. These same fish were here in this shop last Friday, but you didn't buy them then, did you?

7

Helen was eight years old, and one day one of her teeth began hurting. She cried in her class at school, and her teacher said kindly, 'Why are you crying, Helen?'
'Because one of my teeth hurts,' answered Helen. 'Speak to your mother about it,' said the teacher, 'and then go and see the dentist.'
That afternoon Helen spoke to her mother about her tooth, and her mother took her to the dentist a few days later. The dentist looked at the tooth and then he said to Helen, 'It's very bad. I'm going to take it out, and then you're going to get a nice, new tooth next year.' He pulled the tooth out.
The next day Helen's teacher asked her about the tooth. She said to her, 'Does it still hurt, Helen?'
'I don't know,' Helen answered.
'Why don't you know?' the teacher said. 'Because the dentist's got it,' Helen answered.

8

Mrs. Stephens lived in a small village, and she had five children. She always had a lot of work. The children went to different schools, and Mrs. Stephens took them there in the morning in her car. Then she bought food at the village shop, and then she went home and cleaned the house, washed the clothes and made cakes or other things.
In the afternoon she drove back to the children's schools and brought them home, and then she cooked their evening meal. Every evening she was very tired.
One morning she was in the village shop, and she saw a small notice there. It said, 'I do cleaning for £1.50 an hour. Telephone Miss Joan Brown, 7508.'
Mrs. Stephens looked around the shop. 'Nobody's looking,' she said. "That's good."
Then she took her pen out of her bag and wrote under the notice, 'I do cleaning for nothing. Don't telephone me!'

9

In hot, sunny countries, a lot of people like eating their meals in the fresh air. During the day, they eat under trees or big umbrellas, because the sun is usually very strong, but in the evening they eat under the moon and the stars.
People do this a lot in Italy. The restaurants put tables in a garden or in the street, and most people eat there and not in the restaurants.
Renato was an Italian. He came to London and bought a restaurant there. Then he said, 'I'm going to put some of my tables in the street here too.' But it rains a lot in England.
Mr. Jenkins went to Renato's restaurant one day, and in the evening he said to his wife, 'I had lunch at that new Italian restaurant today, and it rained all the time. Drinking my soup took twenty-five minutes.'

10

Mac had a very old car. It was rusty and dirty, but its engine worked most of the time. One day he took his old car out of the garage and said to his wife, 'I'm going to drive to Bournemouth and do some shopping.'
He came to a quiet road after a few kilometres, but then his car stopped. Mac got out, opened the bonnet of the car and looked at the engine, but he did not find anything wrong with it.
His head was under the bonnet for quite a long time. Then a young man ran to the car and began pulling one of the red lights off the back of it.
Mac put his head up, looked at the young man and shouted, 'What are you doing there?'
The young man answered, 'You can steal the pieces at the front. I'm going to take the ones at the back.'

11

George was an American. He went to Britain last summer, and he visited some of his British friends there. Two of them were Mr. and Mrs. Andrews. They lived near Edinburgh, and George stayed in their house for a week and enjoyed it very much.
On his last evening with the Andrews, George said to them, 'My aeroplane to New York leaves very early tomorrow morning. I'm going to get up at five o'clock and make my breakfast. Please don't come down.'
He said goodbye to his good friends that evening and came down to the kitchen in the morning and looked at the table. There was a photograph of Mrs. Andrews on it in front of her chair, and a photograph of Mr. Andrews in front of his chair.
George laughed happily and said, "That's very good. I'm not going to eat my breakfast alone this morning!'

12

Mrs. Black had two coal fires in her house, and she always bought her coal from Mr. Matthews. He sold her good coal. There was never much dust in it.
But Mr. Matthews was old, and after a few years he stopped working in his coalyard, and his son Freddie began selling coal to Mrs. Black. He brought two sacks of coal to her house in his truck one day, and Mrs. Black said to him, 'Your father always sold me good coal. There was never much dust in the sacks.'
'I do that too,' young Mr. Matthews said.
A few months later he brought Mrs. Black another two sacks of coal and said to her, 'Did you find any dust in the last sacks of coal?'
'No, I didn't find dust in the sacks of coal,' answered Mrs. Black. 'I found some pieces of coal in the sacks of dust!'

13

Mr. Gray went to work by train every day and he always walked from the station to his office. It was about one kilometre, and he never went by bus, because he enjoyed walking fast. It sometimes rained or snowed, but then Mr. Gray put his umbrella up, turned the collar of his coat up, and walked fast.
There was always a poor man at the side of a narrow street near Mr. Gray's office. He had one leg, and he sold matches in the street. A box of them cost 20p. Mr. Gray always smiled at the poor man and said, 'Good morning.' Then he gave him 20p and did not take any of his matches, because he did not smoke.
One day Mr. Gray gave the poor man his 20p and began walking on, but the man shouted after him, 'Sir, the matches cost 25p now!'

14

Neil was five years old, and he had no brothers or sisters. He lived with his parents in the country, and there were no neighbours near his house.
One Saturday Neil's Uncle Fred came and visited them. He had lunch with Neil and his parents, and then Neil's mother went into the kitchen and washed the dishes, and his father went out and washed the car.
'Stay here and talk to Uncle Fred,' Neil's father said to him.
'And show him your toys,' his mother said.
Neil showed his uncle his toys and they talked for half an hour in the living-room. Then Neil said to his uncle, 'I'm going to go out and play with God in the garden now.'
His uncle was surprised. 'How do you play with God, Neil?' he asked him.
'It's easy,' Neil answered. 'I throw the ball up, and then God throws it back down to me.'

15

George and Jack were friends and neighbours. They were both policemen, and they sometimes went out together in a police car and drove around in town for a few hours.
One evening they got into the car at the police station and drove around from eight o'clock to midnight. First the town was quite quiet, but then, at half past eleven, there were a few drunk people in the streets.
George stopped the car, and Jack went to them and said, 'Go home.'
Then there was another drunk man. George said to Jack, 'Look, Jack. That man's going round and round a tree, and he's knocking at it all the time.'
He stopped the car, and Jack got out and went to the man. 'Go home,' he said to him.
The drunk man stopped, looked at Jack for a few seconds and then answered, 'Don't be stupid! There's a wall right round me.'

16

Mr. and Mrs. Richards were young, and they loved dancing and loud music, but they did not have very much money. They lived in a small flat and had a small stereo. They listened to it every evening and all the time on Saturdays and Sundays.
Mr. and Mrs. Richards both worked hard in a shop, and after a year they had quite a lot of money. Then they went out and bought a big, new stereo. It played music much more loudly than the old one. Mr. and Mrs. Richards sometimes played music very loudly at night and danced in their living-room for hours.
Then one day Mrs. Richards met one of their neighbours on the stairs and said to her, 'We've got a beautiful new stereo now. Come to our flat and listen to it this evening.'
'No,' the neighbour answered, 'come to our flat and listen to it there!'

17

George never liked work very much. At school he was always at the bottom of his class. Then he went and worked in an office, but he did not do much work there.
There were big windows in the office, and there was a street below them. There were always a lot of people and cars and buses in the street, and George liked sitting at his desk and looking at them.
George had a friend. His name was Peter, and he worked in the same office, but he was very different from George. He worked very hard.
Last Tuesday George stood at one of the windows of the office for a long time. Then he said to his friend Peter, 'There's a very lazy man in the street. He began digging a hole this morning, but he hasn't done any work for half an hour.'

18

Tim Jackson was a rich young man. He liked girls very much and often went out to dinner with them.
He usually went to the same restaurant, but the waiters there did not like him very much, because he did not give them good tips, and because he always asked them difficult questions and then gave them the answers. Then the girls laughed and said, 'You are clever, Tim!' and Tim was happy.
One day he took a beautiful girl to the restaurant. Her name was Susan. Tim said to her, 'What are you going to eat, Susan?'
She looked at everything and then said, "Those fish look good, don't they?'
Tim looked at them and said, 'Yes, they do. I know a lot about fish.' Then he turned to the waiter and said, 'Waiter, these fish are French, aren't they?'
'I don't know,' answered the waiter. "They haven't spoken to me.'

19

It was a very hot day in the middle of summer, and there were no trees along the street. Mr. Brown closed his shop at half past five, went out into the street and began walking to his bus. He was very fat. The sun shone straight down the street, and in a few minutes Mr. Brown was very hot.
A small boy came out of another shop in the street and followed Mr. Brown. He stayed very near him all the time, and he kicked the heels of Mr. Brown's shoes several times. Mr. Brown looked at him angrily each time.
After the third time, Mr. Brown stopped, turned round and said to the small boy, 'What are you doing? Stop following me like that! You're going to hurt my heels.'
'Please don't stop me!' the small boy said. 'It's very hot today, and there isn't any shade anywhere else in the street!'

20

Harry has always loved aeroplanes. When he was younger, he said, 'I'm going to go into the Air Force,' but his eyes were not very good, and he did not get in.
Then he said, 'I'm going to buy a small aeroplane, and I'm going to have flying lessons,' but small aeroplanes and flying lessons are very expensive, and Harry did not have much money.
But last year Harry found a new skydiver's club near his home. The lessons did not cost very much, and Harry began going to the club every Saturday and Sunday and having lessons. Now he is a good skydiver.
Last week an old lady said to him, 'You're a very brave young man. How do you jump out of an aeroplane like that?'
'I'm not brave,' Harry said and he smiled. 'I'm in the aeroplane, and I say to myself, "It's going to crash in a few seconds!" Then I'm very afraid, and I jump out quickly.'

21

Jill was four years old. She was a clever child, but she was not very pretty. She went to school every day, and she loved her lessons. She was always at the top of her class, and she learnt to read and write very quickly.
One day her mother said to her, 'Aunt Kathy and Aunt Judy are going to visit us tomorrow. They live in Canada, and you haven't met them, because they very seldom come to England. They're going to have lunch with us.'
The aunts arrived at twelve o'clock the next day, and Jill's mother gave them some coffee. Then she said, 'I'm going to make lunch now,' and went into the kitchen. Jill stayed in the living-room with her aunts.
Aunt Kathy looked at Jill and then said to Aunt Judy quietly, 'She isn't very p-r-e-t-t-y, is she?'
'No,' said Jill quickly, 'but I'm very c-l-e-v-e-r.'

22

Mrs. Grace was forty. One day she said to her husband, 'I weighed myself this morning. I weigh seventy kilos.'
'Is that bad?' answered Mr. Grace.
'Yes, it is.' Mrs. Grace said. 'It's very bad. Each week I'm heavier now. I'm going to eat less, and I'm going to have a walk every day.
The next morning she put her coat on and began walk- ing, but during her walk it rained, and the rain went through her coat.
That evening she said to her husband, 'I want a good coat for my walks. I'm going to go to the shops tomorrow, and I'm going to buy one.'
The next morning she went into a shop and looked at some coats with the salesgirl. She liked a seal coat very much.
'This seal coat's nice,' she said to the salesgirl, 'but does the rain come through it?'
The salesgirl smiled and answered, 'Have you ever seen a seal with an umbrella?'

23

Ted worked in a factory, but he was not very good, and he lost his job one day. His wife looked in the newspaper and said, 'One of the banks wants a guard.'
'I'm going to go there tomorrow,' Ted said, 'and I'm going to ask for that job. It's quite an easy one, and I'm quite strong.'
The next morning he went to the bank at half past nine and said, 'I want that job here. The guard's job.'
A man gave him a piece of paper. There were a lot of questions on it. 'Write your answers under the questions,' the man said to Ted.
One of the questions was, 'Have you ever been in prison?'
Ted smiled happily and wrote 'No' under this question. Then he looked at the next question. It was 'Why?'
He thought for a long time and then he wrote, 'Because the police have never caught me.'

24

Ken was fifty, and his wife Liz was forty-eight. They had a very old car.
'I'm going to sell this car,' Ken said to Liz last month, but nobody wanted it, because it was old and did not run well.
Last Friday, Ken said to Liz, 'I've got some work in Box- bury. Come with me and do your shopping there.'
Liz was very happy, because her husband very seldom took her out, and she usually shopped in their small village.
Ken drove their old car to the River Dee. There was a ferry there, and cars and trucks crossed on it to the other side. It was the shortest way to Boxbury.
The ferryman came to Ken and said, 'A pound for the car and twenty-five pence for the passenger.'
Ken answered, 'Take the car for a pound, but I'm not going to sell my wife for less than fifty pence.'

25

Mr. Brown had a beautiful shop. He sold sweets, and a lot of children came and bought them after school, but some of them looked into the window of the shop first, and put their fingers on the glass, and Mr. Brown did not like dirty windows.
Then last week he made a big notice. On it he wrote, 'Children! Do not put your fingers on this glass! It is dangerous!' And then he put it up in the window of his shop.
The shop on Mr. Brown's left was a shoe shop, and his friend, Tom Jones, worked there. Tom saw the notice and was surprised. He went into Mr. Brown's shop and said to him, 'Why is the glass in your shop window dangerous, Alf? What does it do to the children?'
Mr. Brown smiled. "The glass doesn't do anything to the children, Tom,' was his answer, 'but I give them a hard smack.'

26

Dick Leonard was the captain of a small ship, the 'London Flower'. Sometimes it took engines from one port to another, sometimes it took furniture, and sometimes it took other things. But sometimes there was no work for it, and the ship was empty. Then Captain Leonard was not happy, because he loved being busy, and he loved going from one port to another all the time.
But the other men on the ship were lazy. They did not like work much. They liked sitting and doing nothing.
One day Captain Leonard did not see two of them for a long time. He looked for them. He opened a door and shouted down some stairs, 'Who's there?'
'William, Captain,' was the answer.
'What are you doing there, William?' the captain asked. 'Nothing, Captain,' William answered.
'Is Tom there?' the captain shouted then. 'Yes, he is,' was the answer.
'What's he doing?' the captain asked.
'He's helping me, Captain,' William answered.

27

Mr. Hughes lived twenty kilometres from London, and his office was in the City. He went to work by train and bus at 8.00 in the morning and got home at 7.30 in the evening.
It rains rather a lot in England, and Mr. Hughes usually took an umbrella with him to London, but he often lost umbrellas. He lost them in buses, in trains and in shops. His wife often said to him, 'Umbrellas are expensive, David, and you buy one every week. Bring this one home this evening!'
One evening Mr. Hughes saw an umbrella in his train. "Today I'm not going to lose my umbrella,' he said happily, and he took the umbrella, got out of the train at his station and brought the umbrella home.
His wife saw it and began laughing. 'But, David,' she said, 'you didn't take an umbrella with you this morning. That one isn't yours!'

28

Edward was at school. He was sixteen, and he lived with his mother and father near London. Then he left school and worked in a factory for a year, and then in August he said to his parents, 'I'm going to have a nice holiday in the country now, and I'm going to go there alone.'
He did not have much money, but he found the name of a small, cheap hotel, and he went there by train and bus. His room in the hotel was very small, but it was clean, and Edward was happy, because he was alone.
The first evening, he went down to the dining-room of the hotel at dinner time and sat down at a small table. The young waitress brought him a plate, and Edward looked at it. Then he said to the girl, 'Waitress, this plate's wet!'
"That's your soup,' the girl answered.

29

Jack was five years old. His small friends had cats and dogs in their houses, but Jack's parents did not have any animals. Then one day Jack said to his mother, 'I want a cat, Mummy.'
His mother did not say 'Yes' or 'No'. First, she wanted to talk to her husband.
That evening she said to her husband, Joe, all Jack's friends have got dogs or cats, and we have no animals. Now Jack wants one.'
'A cat's easier than a dog, Helen,' her husband answered. 'Our neighbours' cat's going to have kittens,' Helen said. 'They aren't going to want them all.'
'Good,' answered Joe. 'Ask them for one.'
A few days later, the neighbour's cat had four kittens, and after a few weeks, the neighbours gave one to Jack's mother.
But then Jack pulled the kitten's tail, and his mother said to him, 'Don't pull the kitten's tail, Jack!'
Jack answered, 'I'm not pulling it, Mummy. I'm holding it, and the kitten's pulling.'

30

Joe Smith sold his house and bought a new one. He put all his furniture in a truck and drove to the new house. There he drove the truck into the garage and took the furniture out. Then the truck was empty, and Joe looked at it.
"The truck's higher now, because it's empty,' he said to himself. 'It isn't going to get out of the garage again.' He began driving it out very slowly, but it hit the top of the door.
Joe said, 'What am I going to do now?' But then he went to all his new neighbours and said, 'Please come and sit in my truck.'
They were surprised, but they went and sat in the truck. It was heavy now, and Joe drove it out of the garage easily.
The neighbours were happy, and Joe was happy too. 'Now all of us are friends!' he said.