10 FUNNY STORIES - 2

1

It was two weeks before Christmas, and Mrs Smith was very busy. She bought a lot of Christmas cards to send to her friends and to her husband's friends, and put them on the table in the living-room. Then, when her husband came home from work, she said to him, 'Here are the Christmas cards for our friends, and here are some stamps, a pen and our book of addresses. Will you please write the cards while I am cooking the dinner?'
Mr Smith did not say anything, but walked out of the living-room and went to his study. Mrs Smith was very angry with him, but did not say anything either.
Then a minute later he came back with a box full of Christmas cards. All of them had addresses and stamps on them.
'These are from last year,' he said. 'I forgot to post them.'

2

Mrs Jones was waiting for an important telephone call, but she had no bread in the house, so she left the baby at home and said to his five-year-old brother,'I am going to the shops, Jimmy, and I will be back in a few minutes.'
While she was out, the telephone rang, and Jimmy answered. 'Hallo,' said a man, 'is your mother there?' 'No,' answered Jimmy.
'Well, when she comes back, say to her, "Mr Baker telephoned".'
'What?'
'Mr Baker. Write it down. B-A-K-E-R.'
'How do you make a B?'
'How do I make . . . ? Listen, little boy, is there anybody else with you? Any brothers or sisters?' 'My brother Billy is here.'
'Good, I want to talk to him, please.'
'All right.' Jimmy took the telephone to the baby's bed and gave it to Billy. When their mother came back, she asked, 'Did anyone telephone?'
'Yes,' said Jimmy, 'a man. But he only wanted to talk to Billy.'

3

Nasreddin had an old shed. It had no windows, so it was very dark, and it was full of old things.
One day Nasreddin went into this shed to get a ladder, but slipped on something and fell against a big garden fork. The fork hit him on the head and knocked him down. Then it fell on top of him and hit him hard on the left leg. The ends of the fork then went into his long beard. He fought with the fork fiercely, and at last threw it off him, jumped up and ran out of the shed. He was very angry. He had an old sword under his bed, and he now ran and got this. Then he ran back to the shed, opened the door suddenly and shouted in a terrible voice, 'All right, come out and fight, you and all the other forks in the world! I'm not afraid of you!'

4

A man always went to the same bar at the same time every day and asked for two glasses of beer. He drank them and then asked for two more.
One day the man behind the bar said to him, 'Why do you always ask for two glasses of beer? Why don't you get one big glass instead?'
The man answered, 'Because I do not like to drink alone. I drink with my friend.'
But a few days later the man came in and asked only for one beer.
'Oh,' said the barman, 'has your friend died?'
'Oh, no,' said the man. 'He is very well. This beer is for him. But I have stopped drinking beer. My doctor doesn't want me to drink any more because it is dangerous for me.'

5

Old Mr Black loved shooting bears, but his eyes were not good any more. Several times he nearly shot people instead of bears, so his friends were always very careful when they went out shooting with him.
One day a young friend of his wanted to have a joke, so he got a big piece of white paper and wrote on it in very big letters 'I AM NOT A BEAR'. Then he tied it to his back and went off. His friends saw it and laughed a lot.
But it did not save him. After a few minutes Mr Black shot at him and knocked his hat off.  The young man was frightened and angry. 'Didn't you see this piece of paper ?' he shouted to Mr Black. 'Yes, I did,' said Mr Black. Then he went nearer, looked carefully at the paper and said, 'Oh, I am very sorry. I did not see the word NOT.'

6

Mrs Brown's old grandfather lived with her and her husband.
Every morning he went for a walk in the park and came home at half past twelve for his lunch.
But one morning a police car stopped outside Mrs Brown's house at twelve o'clock, and two policemen helped Mr Brown to get out One of them said to Mrs Brown, 'The poor old gentleman lost his way in the park and telephoned us for help, so we sent a car to bring him home.' Mrs Brown was very surprised, but she thanked the policemen and they left.
'But, Grandfather,' she then said, 'you have been to that park nearly every day for twenty years. How did you lose your way there?'
The old man smiled, closed one eye and said, 'I didn't quite lose my way. I just got tired and I didn't want to walk home!'

7

Helen's eyes were not very good, so she usually wore glasses.
But when she was seventeen and she began to go out with a young man, she never wore her glasses when she was with him. When he came to the door to take her out, she took her glasses off, and when she came home again and he left, she put them on.
One day her mother said to her, 'But Helen, why do you never wear your glasses when you are with Jim? He takes you to beautiful places in his car, but you don't see anything.'
'Well, Mother,' said Helen, 'I look prettier to Jim when I am not wearing my glasses - and he looks better to me too!'

8

A man was trying to build an electric motor-car. He worked in an office in the town during most of the week, but on Saturdays and Sundays he stayed at home in the country and worked on his electric car. Every Monday he told his friends at the office about his work on the car, but his news about it was never very good. Then at last one Monday morning he came to the office and said to his friends, 'I have done it! I have driven from my home to here by electricity!'
His friends were all very glad. 'How much did it cost to get here by electricity?' they asked.
'Three hundred and two pounds,' he answered. 'Two pounds for the electricity, and three hundred pounds for the electric wires from my house to the car.'

9

An artist went to a beautiful part of the country for a holiday, and stayed with a farmer. Every day he went out with his paints and his brushes and painted from morning to evening, and then when it got dark, he went back to the farm and had a good dinner before he went to bed.
At the end of his holiday he wanted to pay the farmer, but the farmer said, 'No, I do not want money — but give me one of your pictures. What is money? In a week it will all be finished, but your painting will still be here.'
The artist was very pleased and thanked the farmer for saying such kind things about his paintings.
The farmer smiled and answered, 'It is not that. I have a son in London. He wants to become an artist. When he comes here next month, I will show him your picture, and then he will not want to be an artist any more, I think.'

10

Mr Jones was very angry with his wife, and she was very angry with her husband. For several days they did not speak to each other at all. One evening Mr Jones was very tired when he came back from work, so he went to bed soon after dinner. Of course, he did not say anything to Mrs Jones before he went upstairs. Mrs Jones washed the dinner things and then did some sewing. When she went up to bed much later than her husband, she found a piece of paper on the small table near her bed. On it were the words, 'Mother. — Wake me up at 7 a.m. — Father.'
When Mr Jones woke up the next morning, it was nearly 8 a.m. — and on the small table near his bed he saw another piece of paper. He took it and read these words: 'Father. — Wake up. It is 7 a.m. — Mother.'

11

The lights were red, so the old man stopped his car and waited for them to change to green. While he was waiting, a police car came up behind him, hit his car hard in the back and stopped.
There were two policemen in the police car, and they were very surprised and glad when the old man got out of his car and walked towards them without any trouble after such an accident. He was over 70 years old.
The old man came to the door of the police car, smiled kindly, and said, 'Tell me, young man, how do you stop this car when the lights are red and I am not here?'

12

Mrs Williams loved flowers and had a small but beautiful garden. In the summer, her roses were always the best in her street. One summer afternoon her bell rang, and when she went to the front door, she saw a small boy outside. He was about seven years old, and was holding a big bunch of beautiful roses in his hand.
'I am selling roses,' he said. 'Do you want any? They are quite cheap. Five pence for a big bunch. They are fresh. I picked them this afternoon.'
'My boy,' Mrs Williams answered, 'I pick roses whenever I want, and don't pay anything for them, because I have lots in my garden.'
'Oh, no, you haven't,' said the small boy. 'There aren't any roses in your garden — because they are here in my hand!'

13

Mrs Williams loved flowers and had a small but beautiful garden. In the summer, her roses were always the best in her street. One summer afternoon her bell rang, and when she went to the front door, she saw a small boy outside. He was about seven years old, and was holding a big bunch of beautiful roses in his hand.
'I am selling roses,' he said. 'Do you want any? They are quite cheap. Five pence for a big bunch. They are fresh. I picked them this afternoon.'
'My boy,' Mrs Williams answered, 'I pick roses whenever I want, and don't pay anything for them, because I have lots in my garden.'
'Oh, no, you haven't,' said the small boy. 'There aren't any roses in your garden — because they are here in my hand!'

14

One day Mrs Jones went shopping. When her husband came home in the evening, she began to tell him about a beautiful cotton dress. 'I saw it in a shop this morning,' she said, 'and . . . '
'And you want to buy it,' said her husband. 'How much does it cost?'
'Fifteen pounds.'
'Fifteen pounds for a cotton dress? That is too much!'
But every evening, when Mr Jones came back from work, his wife continued to speak only about the dress, and at last, after a week, he said, 'Oh, buy the dress! Here is the money!' She was very happy.
But the next evening, when Mr Jones came home and asked, 'Have you got the famous dress?' she said, 'No.'
'Why not?' he said.
'Well, it was still in the window of the shop after a week so I thought, "Nobody else wants this dress, so I don't want it either".

15

One day a lady walked into a hat shop. The shopkeeper smiled and said, 'Good afternoon, madam.'
'Good afternoon,' the lady answered. 'There is a green hat with red flowers and blue leaves on it in your window. Will you please take it out of there.'
'Yes, madam,' the shopkeeper said. 'I will be very pleased to do that for you.' Usually ladies looked at a lot of hats before they chose one, and the shopkeeper got very tired. 'Good', he thought, 'I will sell this hat very quickly — and it has been in my window for a very long time.'
'Do you want it in a box, madam,' he asked, 'or will you wear it?'
'Oh, I don't want it,' she answered. 'I only wanted you to take it out of your window. I pass your shop every day, and I hate to see the ugly thing there!'

16

One day a lady walked into a hat shop. The shopkeeper smiled and said, 'Good afternoon, madam.'
'Good afternoon,' the lady answered. 'There is a green hat with red flowers and blue leaves on it in your window. Will you please take it out of there.'
'Yes, madam,' the shopkeeper said. 'I will be very pleased to do that for you.' Usually ladies looked at a lot of hats before they chose one, and the shopkeeper got very tired. 'Good', he thought, 'I will sell this hat very quickly — and it has been in my window for a very long time.'
'Do you want it in a box, madam,' he asked, 'or will you wear it?'
'Oh, I don't want it,' she answered. 'I only wanted you to take it out of your window. I pass your shop every day, and I hate to see the ugly thing there!' Nasreddin had a shed behind his house. It had no lights in it. One night he went out to the shed to get his ladder, and lost his ring there. He left the ladder, went out into the street and began to look around.
One of his friends saw him in the street outside his house, and said to him, 'Hullo, Nasreddin. What are you looking for?'
'My ring,' answered Nasreddin. 'It fell off my finger. It is a silver ring with a red stone in it.'
'Oh, yes,' said his friend. 'I remember it. I will help you to look for it. Where did you lose it?'
'In my shed.'
'But why don't you look for it there?'
'Don't be stupid! It is quite dark in my shed, so how willI find my ring there? Here there is light from the lamps in the street.'

17

Mrs Andrews had a young cat, and it was the cat's first winter. One evening it was outside when it began to snow heavily. Mrs Andrews looked everywhere and shouted its name, but she did not find it, so she telephoned the police and said, 'I have lost a small black cat. Has anybody found one?'
'No, madam,' said the policeman at the other end. 'But cats are really very strong animals. They sometimes live for days in the snow, and when it melts or somebody finds them, they are quite all right.'
Mrs Andrews felt happier when she heard this. 'And', she said, 'our cat is very clever. She almost talks.'
The policeman was getting rather tired. 'Well then,' he said, 'why don't you put your telephone down? Perhaps she is trying to telephone you now.'

18

One morning Nasreddin left his house with six donkeys to go to the market. After a time, he got tired and got on to one of them. He counted the donkeys, and there were only five, so he got off and went to look for the sixth. He looked and looked but did not find it, so he went back to the donkeys and counted them again. This time there were six, so he got on to one of them again and they all started.
After a few minutes he counted the donkeys again, and again there were only five! While he was counting again a friend of his passed, and Nasreddin said to him, 'I left my house with six donkeys; then I had five; then I had six again; and now I have only five! Look! One, two, three, four, five.'
'But, Nasreddin,' said his friend, 'You are sitting on a donkey too! That is the sixth! And you are the seventh!'

19

One of Nasreddin's friends loved money very much, and never gave anything to anybody. Soon he became rich.
One day, he was walking near the river with his friends when he slipped and fell in. His friends ran to help him and one of them knelt on the ground, held out his hand and said, 'Give me your hand, and I will pull you out!' The rich man's head went under the water and then came up again, but he did not give his friend his hand. Again another of his friends tried, but again the same thing happened.
Then Nasreddin said, 'Take my hand and I will pull you out!' The rich man took his hand, and Nasreddin pulled him out of the water.
'You don't know our friend very well,' he said to the others. "When you say "Give" to him, he does nothing; but when you say "Take", he takes!'

20

One day Nasreddin bought a donkey in the market; but while he was taking it home, two thieves followed him. One of them took the rope from the donkey's neck and tied it round his friend's neck. Then he went away with the donkey.
When Nasreddin got home, he turned and saw the young man. He was very surprised.
'Where is my donkey?' he said angrily.
'I am very sorry,' said the thief, 'but once I said some very bad things to my mother, and she changed me into a donkey. But because a good man bought me, I am now a man again! Thank you!'
Nasreddin untied the man and said, 'Go! And never say bad things to your mother again!'
The next day, Nasreddin saw the same donkey in the market again! The other thief was selling it.
Nasreddin went to it and said into its ear, 'Young man, some people will never learn!'

21

Nasreddin wanted to buy some new clothes, so he went to a shop. First he asked for some trousers and put them on, but then he took them off and gave them back to the shopkeeper and said, 'No, give me a coat instead of these.'
The man gave him a coat, and said, 'This one costs the same as the trousers.' Nasreddin took the coat and walked out of the shop with it. The shopkeeper ran after him and said, 'You have not paid for that coat!'
'But I gave you the trousers for the coat,' said Nasreddin.
'They cost the same as the coat, didn't they?'
'Yes,' said the shopkeeper, 'But you didn't pay for the trousers either!'
'Of course I didn't!' answered Nasreddin. 'I did not take them. I am not stupid! Nobody gives things back and then pays for them!'

22

One day, the boys of Nasreddin's village said to him, 'You have a nice, fat sheep. Will you invite us to a party to eat it with you?'
Nasreddin did not want the boys to eat his sheep, so he said, 'It is not fat enough yet.'
'But have you not heard?' they said. 'The world is going to end tomorrow, so the sheep will never get fat!'
Nasreddin was getting tired of this, so he said, 'All right, boys, we will have a picnic tomorrow, and eat the sheep.'
So the next morning they all went to the river, the boys took off their clothes and jumped into the water, and Nasreddin killed the sheep.
When the boys came out, their clothes were not there.
'Where are our clothes, Nasreddin?' they asked.
'Oh,' he answered, 'I made the fire to cook the sheep with your clothes. You will not need them again. The world is going to end today, don't you remember?'

23

Whenever it rained, water came through Nasreddin's roof, so one day he got his ladder, climbed up onto the roof and began to mend it. It was quite difficult and dangerous work.
While he was up there, he suddenly saw an old man in the street. This man was waving to him. He wanted Nasreddin to come down. Nasreddin thought, 'What has happened? What news has this man got for me?' So he climbed down the ladder quickly. Several times he slipped and nearly broke his neck. When he got to the bottom, the old man said,' I am a poor man. Please give me some money.'
Nasreddin was very angry, but he said, 'Come up.' He helped the old man to climb up the ladder and onto the roof. Then he said to him, 'I am a poor man too. I have no money for you. And now go down alone. I will not help you.'

24

Whenever it rained, water came through Nasreddin's roof, so one day he got his ladder, climbed up onto the roof and began to mend it. It was quite difficult and dangerous work.
While he was up there, he suddenly saw an old man in the street. This man was waving to him. He wanted Nasreddin to come down. Nasreddin thought, 'What has happened? What news has this man got for me?' So he climbed down the ladder quickly. Several times he slipped and nearly broke his neck. When he got to the bottom, the old man said,' I am a poor man. Please give me some money.'
Nasreddin was very angry, but he said, 'Come up.' He helped the old man to climb up the ladder and onto the roof. Then he said to him, 'I am a poor man too. I have no money for you. And now go down alone. I will not help you.'

25

Mr and Mrs Brown lived in a small house near London with their child. Sometimes Mr Brown came back from work very late, when his wife and the child were asleep, and then he opened the front door of his house with his key and came in very quietly.
But one night when he was coming home late, he lost his key, so when he reached his house, he rang the bell. Nothing happened. He rang it again. Again nothing happened — nobody moved inside the house. Mr Brown knocked at the bedroom window, he spoke to his wife, he shouted, but she did not wake up. At last he stopped and thought for a few seconds. Then he began to speak like a small child.
'Mother!' he said, 'I want to go to the lavatory!' He spoke quite quietly but at once Mrs Brown woke up. Then he spoke to her, and she opened the door for him.

26

Peter's uncle lived in the country. Once Peter went to stay with him for a few weeks. Whenever they went for a walk or for a drive in the car and they passed somebody, his uncle waved. Peter was surprised, and said, 'Uncle George, you know everybody here. Where did you meet them all?' 'I don't know all these people,' said his uncle.
'Then why do you wave to them?' asked Peter.
'Well, Peter,' answered his uncle, 'when I wave to someone and he knows me, he is pleased. He continues his journey with a happier heart. But when I wave to someone and he doesn't know me, he is surprised and says to himself, "Who is that man? Why did he wave to me?" So he has something to think about during the rest of his journey, and that makes  his journey seem shorter. So I make everybody happy.'

27

It was a beautiful spring morning. There wasn't a cloud in the sky, and the sun was warm but not too hot, so Mr Andrews was surprised when he saw an old gentleman at the bus-stop with a big, strong black umbrella in his hand Mr Andrews said to him, 'Are we going to have rain today, do you think?'
'No', said the old gentleman, 'I don't think so.'
'Then are you carrying the umbrella to keep the sun off you?'
'No, the sun is not very hot in spring.'
Mr Andrews looked at the big umbrella again, and the gentleman said, 'I am an old man, and my legs are not very strong, so I really need a walking-stick. But when I carry a walking-stick, people say, "Look at that poor old man", and I don't like that. When I carry an umbrella in fine weather, people only say, "Look at that stupid man".

28

Many years ago, an English family were living in China. One evening an important Chinese officer came to visit them. It got later and later, and he still did not go, so his hostess invited him to have dinner with them. But she had very little food in the house, so she quickly went to the kitchen and spoke to her Chinese cook. He said, 'It is all right. You will have a very good dinner.'
When they all sat down to eat, the lady was very surprised, because there was a lot of very good food on the table.
After the dinner, the hostess ran to the kitchen and said to the cook, 'How did you make such a good meal in half an hour?'
'I did not make it, madam,' he said. 'I sent one of the servants to the Chinese officer's house, and he brought back the Chinese officer's dinner.'

29

One day Nasreddin went to a big dinner party. He was wearing old clothes, and when he came in, nobody looked at him and nobody gave him a seat at a table. So Nasreddin went home, put on his best clothes, and then went back to the party. The host at once got up and came to meet him. He took him to the best table, gave him a good seat, and offered him the best dishes.
Nasreddin put his coat in the food and said, 'Eat, coat!'
The other guests were very surprised and said, 'What are you doing?'
Nasreddin answered, 'I was inviting my coat to eat. When I was wearing my old clothes, nobody looked at me or offered me food or drink. Then I went home and came back in these clothes, and you gave me the best food and drink. So you gave me these things for my clothes, not for myself.'

30

Nasreddin wanted a big pot for a party, so he borrowed one from a neighbour. After the party he took it back with another small pot inside.
'Your pot had a baby while it was with us,' he said.
Of course, the neighbour was very pleased, and when Nasreddin came to borrow the big pot again for another party, he lent it to him very gladly.
This time Nasreddin did not bring the pot back, so after a few days the man went to Nasreddin's house.
'What has happened to my big pot?' he asked. 'Why have you not brought it back yet?'
'Oh, the big pot?' said Nasreddin. 'It died while it was with us.'
'Died?' said the neighbour angrily. 'But pots do not die!'
'Why do you say that?' answered Nasreddin. 'When I said, "The pot has had a baby", you did not say, "Pots do not have babies", did you?'

31

One day Nasreddin's donkey was ill, so he borrowed a horse from an officer. It was a big, strong animal, and usually nobody rode it except the officer. It tried to throw Nasreddin off, but he stayed on it. Then it suddenly began to run away with him. He tried to turn it towards his house, and he tried to stop it, but it continued to run the opposite way.
One of Nasreddin's friends was working in his field and saw him riding very fast towards this friend's house. He thought, 'Why is Nasreddin riding so fast? Perhaps he has some bad news. Perhaps he is riding to my house to give me some bad news!'
He was frightened and shouted to Nasreddin, 'Nasreddin! Nasreddin! What is the matter? Where are you going?'
'I don't know!' Nasreddin shouted back. 'This stupid animal hasn't told me!'

32

Every Saturday, Nasreddin went to the market to buy food and other things. He put them in a big basket, but he was old and weak, so he always paid another man to carry the basket home for him. But one Saturday, while he was walking home in front of the man with the basket, the man ran away with it.
The next Saturday, when Nasreddin went to the market again, a friend of his said, 'Look, there he is! That man stole your things last week!'
Nasreddin at once hid behind a shop, and stayed there until the man left the market.
His friend was very surprised. 'Why did you do that?' he asked.
'Well,' said Nasreddin, 'that man was carrying my basket when he left me a week ago. He will want me to pay him for seven days' work, and that will cost me more than a basket full of things!'

33

Once, when Nasreddin was a boy, his mother went out for a picnic. Before she went, she said to him, 'Nasreddin, while I am away, stay near the door, and watch it all the time.' She said this because there were a lot of thieves in their town.
Nasreddin sat down beside the door. After an hour one of his uncles came. He said to Nasreddin, 'Where is your mother?'
'At a picnic,' he answered.
'Well,' said the uncle, 'we are going to visit your house this evening. Go and tell her!'
His uncle then went away, and Nasreddin began to think. 'Mother said, "Watch the door all the time!" and Uncle said, "Go and tell her"!'
He thought and thought, then at last, he pulled the door down, put it on his back and went to his mother with it!

34

Nasreddin was sitting by a window in his house one day in the middle of winter, when he heard women outside crying. He put his head out of the window, and saw a lot of people coming towards his house. They were carrying a dead man, and the women were crying, 'Oh, why are you leaving us to go to a place without light and without a fire and without food? It will be dark there, and you will be cold and hungry. Nobody will look after you, nobody will be kind to you, and nobody will love you there!'
'My God!' said Nasreddin to his wife. 'They are talking about our house. They are bringing the dead man here! Quick, lock the door! Don't let him in!'

35

One day when Nasreddin was travelling, he came to a village.
The people there said to him, 'We have had no rain for three months, and we have no water. Our corn is dying. Please help us! Pray for rain!'
Nasreddin wanted to help these poor people, so he asked for a bucket of water. There was very little water in the village, but each family gave a little, and they filled a bucket and gave it to Nasreddin.
Then Nasreddin took off his shirt and began to wash it.
The people were surprised and angry. 'That water was for our children to drink, and you are washing your shirt in it!'
But Nasreddin said, 'Wait!' He hung the shirt up to dry, and at once it began to rain.
'I have only one shirt,' he said to the surprised people, 'and when I wash it and hang it up to dry, it always rains.'

36

Three people were walking along a street, first a big man, then a pretty woman, and then an old gentleman. The first two went round a corner. Suddenly the gentleman saw a piece of paper on the ground. He picked it up. It was five pounds. A few seconds later, the young woman came back. She was crying. 'I have dropped five pounds,' she said.
'Don't cry', said the gentleman. 'Here it is.' The young woman thanked him and went away. After a few seconds, the big man came back. He was looking for something. Suddenly a window opened and a small man looked out. 'I saw five pounds fall from your pocket,' he said, 'but that man gave it to a young woman.' The big man was very angry. The gentleman was frightened and gave him another five pounds. When he had gone, the young woman came back to get her one pound sixty-seven pence, and the small man came out to get his.

37

Nasreddin liked fish very much, and when he had enough money, he bought some for his dinner when he went to the market, and took it home. But when his wife saw the fish, she always said to herself, 'Good! Now I will invite my friends to lunch and we will eat this fish. They like fish very much.' So when Nasreddin came home in the evening after his work, the fish was never there, and his wife always said, 'Oh, your cat ate it! She is a very bad animal!' And she gave Nasreddin soup and rice for his dinner.
But one evening when this happened, Nasreddin became very angry. He took the cat and his wife to the shop near his house and weighed the cat carefully. Then he turned to his wife and said, 'My fish weighed two kilos. This cat weighs two kilos too. My fish is here, you say. Then where is my cat?'

38

One day when Nasreddin was having a bath, he began to sing. The bathroom was small and had a stone floor, so his song was very beautiful, he thought.
'Oh,' he said, 'I sing very well. I will sing to other people too, and perhaps I will become a famous singer, and everybody in the world will want to hear me.'
So after his bath Nasreddin went up onto the flat roof of the house and began to sing his song very loudly. But he did not like it very much when he sang it there.
A man was walking across the square in front of the house, and when he heard Nasreddin, he said, 'What are you doing? You are making a terrible noise. Nobody wants to hear it.'
'Oh, you think so, do you?' answered Nasreddin. 'Well, I really sing very beautifully. Come to my bathroom and you will hear me.'

39

The police in the big city were looking for a thief. At last they caught him. But while they were taking photographs of him — from the front, from the left, from the right, with a hat, without a hat — he suddenly attacked the policemen and ran off. They tried to catch him, but he got away.
Then a week later the telephone rang in the police-station, and somebody said, 'You are looking for Bill Cross, aren't you?'
'Yes.'
'Well, he left here for Waterbridge an hour ago.'
Waterbridge was a small town 150 kilometres from the city. The city police at once sent four different photographs of the thief to the police in Waterbridge.
Less than twelve hours later they got a telephone call from the police in Waterbridge. 'We have caught three of the men,' they said happily, 'and we will catch the fourth this evening, we think'.

40

Mrs Jones was still cleaning the house when her husband came back from work. She was wearing dirty, old clothes and no stockings, her hair was not tidy, she had dust on her face, and she looked dirty and tired. Her husband looked at her and said, 'Is this what I come home to after a hard day's work?'
Mrs Jones's neighbour, Mrs Smith, was there. When she heard Mr Jones's words, she quickly said goodbye and ran back to her house. Then she washed, brushed and combed her hair carefully, put on her best dress and her prettiest stockings, painted her face, and waited for her husband to come home.
When he arrived, he was hot and tired. He walked slowly into the house, saw his wife and stopped. Then he shouted angrily, 'And where are you going this evening?'

41

Billy was four years old, and he was a very bad boy. Everyday after lunch his mother took him to his bedroom and put him on his bed to rest for an hour, but Billy never slept and usually he made a lot of noise and got off his bed every few minutes.
One afternoon, Billy's mother put him on his bed and then went to her bedroom to do some sewing. After ten minutes, she heard a noise so she went to Billy's room. He was not there, but his trousers were lying on his bed.
She looked in the other rooms upstairs, but he was not there either, so she went to the top of the stairs and shouted down angrily, 'Are you running about down there without your trousers?'
'No, madam,' answered a man's voice. 'I have brought your vegetables — and I am wearing my trousers.'

42

An old lady in an aeroplane had a blanket over her head and she did not want to take it off. The air hostess spoke to her, but the old lady said, 'I have never been in an aeroplane before, and I am frightened. I am going to keep this blanket over my head until we are back on the ground again!'
Then the captain came. He said 'Madam, I am the captain of this aeroplane. The weather is fine, there are no clouds in the sky, and everything is going very well.' But she continued to hide.
So the captain turned and started to go back. Then the old lady looked out from under the blanket with one eye and said, 'I am sorry, young man, but I don't like aeroplanes and I am never going to fly again. But I'll say one thing,' she continued kindly, 'you and your wife keep your aeroplane very clean!'

43

A young air force officer had a very beautiful wife. Early each morning he left his house and went to the airport, and an hour later his wife always left the house too, with a big white towel, and went for a walk on the beach.
Her husband always flew over every morning, and when she saw his aeroplane, she held the white towel high above her head. When her husband saw it, he made either the left wing or the right wing of his aeroplane go down. The left wing meant, 'I will be busy tonight and won't be home.' The right wing meant, 'In eight hours I will be holding you in my arms.'
One morning he flew over with eight other aeroplanes, and his left wing went down. Before his wife had time to feel sad about this, all the other aeroplanes flew over, and each of them turned its right wing down.

44

An artist had a small daughter. Sometimes he painted women without any clothes on, and he and his wife always tried to keep the small girl out when he was doing this. 'She is too young to understand,' they said.
But one day, when the artist was painting a woman with no clothes on, he forgot to lock the door, and the little girl suddenly ran into the room. Her mother ran up the stairs after her, but when she got to the top, the little girl was already in the room and looking at the woman. Both her parents waited for her to speak.
For a few seconds the little girl said nothing, but then she ran to her mother and said angrily, 'Why do you let her go about without shoes and socks on when you don't let me?'

45

It was a small factory, and there was nowhere to eat near it, so the workmen took food from their homes and ate it in the factory at midday.
One of the workmen always had fish sandwiches. Every day he took one of them out of his bag, bit it, and then threw all the sandwiches angrily away.
At last, one day one of the workmen said to him, 'But, Bill, don't you like fish sandwiches?'
'No,' said Bill, 'I hate them.'
'Then why does your wife make them for you every day? There are lots of other nice things for sandwiches. Tell your wife, and she will make other sandwiches.'
'It isn't as easy as that,' answered Bill. 'I haven't got a wife. I make the sandwiches myself.'

46

Mrs Brown had a small garden behind her house, and in the spring she planted some vegetables in it. She looked after them very carefully, and when the summer came, they looked very nice.
One evening Mrs Brown looked at her vegetables and said, 'Tomorrow I am going to pick them, and then we can eat them.'
But early the next morning, her son ran into the kitchen and shouted, 'Mother, Mother! Come quickly! Our neighbour's ducks are in the garden and they are eating our vegetables!'
Mrs Brown ran out, but it was too late! All the vegetables were finished! Mrs Brown cried, and her neighbour was very sorry, but that was the end of the vegetables.
Then a few days before Christmas, the neighbour brought Mrs Brown a parcel. In it was a beautiful, fat duck, and on it was a piece of paper with the words, 'Enjoy your vegetables!'

47

The ladies' club always had a meeting every Friday afternoon and someone came to talk to them about important things. After that, they had tea and asked questions.
One Friday, a gentleman came and talked to the club about food. 'There is not enough food in the world for everybody,' he said. 'More than half the people in the world are hungry. And when they get more food, they have more babies, so they never stop being hungry. Somewhere in the world, a woman is having a baby every minute, day and night. What are we going to do about it?' He waited for a few seconds before he continued, but before he began to speak again, one of the ladies said, 'Well, why don't we find that woman and stop her?'

48

A man had some work to do in Switzerland, so he said goodbye to his wife at the airport, got into an aeroplane and left. After ten days, his work in Switzerland was finished, so he bought a ticket for his journey back home, and then went to the post-office to send a telegram to his wife. He wrote the telegram, gave it to the clerk and said, 'How much will this cost?'
She told him, and he counted his Swiss money. He had not got quite enough.
'Take the word "love" off my telegram,' he said, 'and then I will have enough money to pay for it.'
'No,' the girl said. She opened her handbag, took the money for the word 'love' out of it and said, 'For the word "love", I will pay the money. Wives need that word from their husbands.'

49

Mrs Jones's telephone number was 3463, and the number of the cinema in her town was 3464, so people often made a mistake and telephoned her when they wanted the cinema.
One evening the telephone bell rang and Mrs Jones answered it. A tired man said, 'At what time does your last film begin?'
'I am sorry,' said Mrs Jones, 'but you have the wrong number. This is not the cinema.'
'Oh, it began twenty minutes ago?' said the man. 'I am sorry about that. Goodbye.'
Mrs Jones was very surprised, so she told her husband.
He laughed and said, 'The man's wife wanted to go to the cinema, but he was feeling tired, so he telephoned the cinema. His wife heard him, but she didn't hear you. Now they will stay at home this evening, and the husband will be happy!'

50

It was a few days before Christmas, so when the office closed at half past five, most of the young men and typists stayed and had a party. They ate and drank, danced and sang songs, and nobody wanted to go home. But Joe had a wife at home, and lived quite a long way from the city. Every few minutes he looked at his watch, and at last, when it was very late, he began to leave.
'Joe!' shouted his friends. 'Are you leaving? Why don't you stay and enjoy the party?'
'I am not leaving,' said Joe. 'I am only going down to the station to miss the last train back home. I will be back here in a few minutes.'

51

Mr Jones and Mr Brown worked in the same office. One day Mr Jones said to Mr Brown, 'We are going to have a small party at our house next Wednesday evening. Will you and your wife come?'
Mr Brown said, 'Thank you very much. That is very kind of you. We are free that evening, I think, but I will telephone my wife and ask her. Perhaps she wants to go somewhere that evening.' So Mr Brown went to the other room and telephoned. When he came back, he looked very surprised.
'What is the matter?' said Mr Jones. 'Did you speak to your wife?'
'No,' answered Mr Brown. 'She wasn't there. My small son answered the telephone. I said to him, "Is your mother there, David?" and he answered, "No, she is not in the house".
"Where is she then?" I asked. "She is somewhere outside".
"What is she doing?"
"She is looking for me".

52

When you have a post-office box, the postman does not bring letters to you, but you go to the post-office and get your letters and parcels from your box. The box is locked, and you have the key, so the letters are quite safe.
One day, the headmaster of a school wrote to the post office and asked for a post-office box for his school. He soon got an answer. It said, 'We will give you a post-box in one month.'
Three months later, the headmaster wrote to the post office again and said, 'Why haven't we got a post-office box yet?'
This was the answer from the post-office:

'Dear Sir,
We gave you a post-office box two months ago and wrote to you then to tell you. Here is the key to your box. You will find our letter to you in it.'

53

One night there was a heavy snowstorm, and in the morning Mr Smith's garden was full of deep snow. Mr Smith wanted to take his car out, so he paid a man to clean the path from his garage to his gate. He said to this man, 'Don't throw any snow on that side, because it will damage the bushes in my garden; and don't throw any on the other side, because it will break my fence. And don't throw any into the street, or the police will be angry.' Then Mr Smith went out.
When he came back, the path was clean and the snow from it was not on the bushes, or the fence, or the street. Mr Smith was very pleased — until he opened the garage to get his car out! The garage was full to the top with all the snow from the path, and his car was somewhere under it all!

54

At the beginning of the First World War, John Robinson was a soldier in the army. He went to France with a lot of other soldiers, and lived in a cold, wet, muddy camp. The rain came into his tent, there was mud and water on the floor, and the food was not good.
Then he became an officer and went to work in the army in Paris. He lived very pleasantly there in a warm house, had very good food, and enjoyed himself.
After some months, he met one of his old friends from the camp.
'You made a big mistake when you left our camp,' said this friend.
'Oh?' said John Robinson. 'Why?'
'Well,' said the soldier, 'the week after you left, they put wood floors in our tents!'

55

Mr Andrews had a new telephone number. Before he got it, it was the number of a shop. The shop now had a new number, but a lot of women did not know this, so they still telephoned the old one.
At first, Mr and Mrs Andrews always said, 'We are sorry.
You have the wrong number. The shop has a new one now.'
But women still continued to telephone them to ask for things, so after some time, Mr and Mrs Andrews began to answer them like this:
'Good morning, madam. What do you want us to send you today?' They thought, 'Perhaps they will stop telephoning us when they don't get their things. But this did not help Mr and Mrs Andrews, because now women began to telephone them more and more, and say angrily, 'Where are my things? They have not come yet! Why haven't you sent them yet?'